Developing a Healthy Sense of Self

Today is going to be busy for me, so I'm cheating and giving you a few quotes all from the same source: Keeping the Moon, by Sarah Dessen.  It's an absolute gem of a book that every girl as young as thirteen should read, and re-read often.

Briefly, it's about a fifteen-year-old girl, Colie, whose mother becomes a fitness and health guru and helped them both to lose weight.  Although Colie is no longer teased for being fat, she still struggles with self-confidence and self-esteem issues.  Over the course of the novel she learns to accept herself fully, not just her skinny body.  And then, as she puts it, the fat disappears for good.

I can't even come close to capturing the true essence of the book.  Having struggled mightily with self-esteem for most of my life, I could relate to Colie.  Just reading the book gives me such an ego boost.  It's incredible. 

"She touched one finger to her temple, tap tap tap.  'Believe in yourself up here and it will make you stronger than you could ever imagine.' "

"Being self-confident doesn't necessarily start inside.  It starts with the rest of the world and leads back to you."

" 'Why are you being so nice to me?' I asked her.
'You know,' she said, 'when you say stuff like that, I just want to slap you.'
'What?'
'You heard me... Colie, you should never be surprised when people treat you with respect.  You should expect it... I've watched you, Colie.  You walk around like a dog waiting to be kicked, and when someone does, you pout and cry like you didn't deserve it.'
'No one deserves to be kicked,' I said.
'I disagree,' she said flatly.  'You do if you don't think you're worth any better.' "

"See, Colie, it's all about understanding.  We're all worth something."

"Self-respect, Colie.  If you don't have it, the world will walk all over you."

"I've always known who I am.  I might not work perfectly, or be like them, but that's okay.  I know I work in my own way."

"It's so, so stupid what we do to ourselves because we're afraid.  It's so stupid."


This is something we need to teach each other, constantly.  I think we forget that young girls aren't the only ones who can be harsh on their bodies; I know middle-aged women who still don't feel comfortable in their own skin.  But the number that comes up on the scale, the number printed on the label of your jeans - that doesn't mean a thing.  It is no measure at all of your beauty, your worth, your intelligence, or your capability. 

I realize that for so many girls and women - myself included - it's often so much easier to say and read this than it is to actually believe it and live it.  By the end of the novel, Colie is able to finally let go of every demeaning taunt and unkind work she suffered, because she realizes her own worth.  But this doesn't happen overnight for her.  And it certainly doesn't come entirely from other people.  The word "self" is at the beginning of those phrases because the confidence and esteem and respect is supposed to come from you.  It's not supposed to be based on what anyone else thinks.

In the beginning, that has to come entirely from you.  You must portray a sense of self-worth that other people can see and respond to.  When they realize that you are confident in yourself and your abilities, they show you respect.  In return, you respect yourself more because of the way people treat you - it's a cyclical relationship.  But you have to start the process.  People will treat you in accordance with the way you treat yourself.  If they see that you pick on yourself, they will do the same to you.  Funny thing about humans - we live up to exactly what is expected of us.

Your sense of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem must begin in your own mind.

Perseverance

I imagine that, like me, many of you have made New Year's resolutions for living more healthfully this year - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Studies suggest that you need to stick it out for only three weeks before these resolutions become more like habits, requiring less effort to maintain.  No matter what your resolution(s), read on for some encouragement:

"Why is it you only feel the thorns in your feet when you stop running? ... You must keep going, keep going fast."  Amazing Grace

Sometime last spring, after hearing about the movie for a long time, I finally sat down and watched Amazing Grace.  It's an absolutely beautiful historical drama about William Wilberforce's twenty-six-year crusade to end slavery in the British Empire.  After that first time, I watched it a second time.  And a third.  Over the course of only four days.

It's incredible that a man who fought so tirelessly for twenty-six years to abolish slavery should be so little remembered by history.  He battled merchants, ship owners, fellow Parliament members, and society, all while struggling with his own poor and failing health.  But after a quarter of a century, he succeeded.  The slave trade was abolished in Great Britain in 1807, and eventually slavery itself fell.

Here is the trailer for the movie.

Recently I went looking for a biography on Wilberforce, and found this one by Eric Metaxas.  It's a fantastic read and gives an even deeper insight into Wilberforce's life and character.  He was the kind of politician we could use in Washington right now.

And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?

Are you living every day like it's the last you got?

Will you step aside when it all falls down,

And watch it burn away?

Have a little faith when the walls cave in,

Pray for strength to fly against the wind.

Will you walk away when the fire gets hot?

Or fight another, another day?

Fight Another Day, Addison Road

This one speaks for itself.  Check it out.


"Never stop.  Never stop fighting, never stop dreaming."  Tom Hiddleston

You may not recognize the name, but so long as you haven't been living under a rock for the past few years, you know who Tom Hiddleston is.  The talented British actor shot to the forefront in 2011 by playing Loki in Thor - a role he continued in the Avengers and the upcoming Thor: The Dark World.  He also starred in Midnight in Paris, Deep Blue Sea, Warhorse, and the Hollow Crown series.  Oh, and he did this.  Very cool guy.

Whatever your resolutions and goals for this year, do not give them up!  The old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is true.  Challenges and setbacks are part of the process, but don't let them keep you from pursuing your goals.  When you fail, get back up and keep going!

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default."  J.K. Rowling 

Comfort in a Time of Grief

After two other failed attempts to keep a blog, I'm hoping that 2013 will prove that the third time's the charm. I plan to post every day with a quote to inspire, to amuse, or to uplift. As most of these quotes will come from my favorite people, movies, and books, you will get to know me pretty well. Since it's already January 2nd, I have some catching up to do.

When I returned to work after my Christmas vacation, I was saddened to hear that one of my managers had lost her husband suddenly the day before. All of my coworkers knew this man well, and though I had only met him a few times, he struck me as a genuinely nice, caring person. It's going to be a long time before this pain subsides for my coworkers. With that in mind, the three quotes I chose for today are offered as comfort for the loss of a loved one:

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don't always spoil the good things or make them unimportant." Doctor Who, Vincent and the Doctor (5.10). 

Disclosure: I am a rabid Doctor Who fan. I discovered the show nearly a year ago, and have been enamored ever since. So, when an episode came along in which the Doctor meets Vincent Van Gogh - who has been my favorite artist since I studied him for a project in third grade - it was inevitable that I fell in love with said episode. It is incredibly moving (read: tear-jerking) and was the source of this wonderful quote from the Doctor himself.

For those of you who don't know, the Doctor is a time-travelling alien - I know, I know, it sounds weird. But trust me, it is one of the best shows out there. In this episode, the Doctor and his companion, Amy, travel back in time to visit Vincent. When they return to the present, Amy believes that they made such a difference in Vincent's life that he will not have committed suicide. Of course, she is heartbroken to find that this is not the case, and the Doctor offers some comfort. You can see the scene here.


"...remember that you were loved by me and you made my life a happy one. And there's no tragedy in that." Third Star 

While on YouTube several months ago, I stumbled across a little gem called Third Star. It's a British film about a young man dying of cancer who embarks on a trip to the picturesque Barafundle Bay in Wales with his three closest friends. You can see the ending from a mile away, but it was still a fantastic movie about friendship, love, and death. Watch only if you have a few boxes of tissues nearby.

Trailer for Third Star (NOT for young audiences). 

Do not stand at my grave and weep, 

I am not there; I do not sleep. 

I am a thousand winds that blow, 

I am the diamond glints on snow, 

I am the sun on ripened grain, 

I am the gentle autumn rain. 

When you awaken in the morning’s hush 

I am the swift uplifting rush 

Of quiet birds in circling flight. 

I am the soft starlight at night. 

Do not stand at my grave and cry, 

I am not there; I did not die. 

 Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep, Mary Elizabeth Frye 

 A friend of mine introduced me to this poem a few months back and I have loved it ever since. I even made a bookmark with it.

There you are. If you are in need of some comfort, I hope you found it here. If not, perhaps keep this in the back of your mind for a rainy day...